Holding Space

Image of The Toy Shop Puzzle by White Mountain

A lot of parenting is holding space for really tough emotions. It's not easy. A lot of the time I fail and react the wrong way, or try to distract, and generally attempt to shut down the tough emotions.

But I am learning that when I allow whatever feelings come up, and just hold my daughter while she cries, it does eventually pass. And allowing tears, even though painful in the moment, is a lot more tolerable and less dramatic than an escalated meltdown with not just one person melting down but two, myself included.

All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not. I recently heard this on a podcast and it's my mantra lately. Yes, you can freak out that I won't let you stay up til midnight. No, you cannot hit me and scream about it.

A few weekends ago hubs took our four year old Liv to get coffee and buy a baby gift for a friend. I was doing dishes while our little baby Mia napped, and I heard Justin and Liv from the hall before I saw them. Liv was hysterical. Justin was pissed. (And if you don't know him - it takes a LOT to disrupt his natural easygoing vibe.)

They had had a rough time at the toy store. Liv asked for a new coloring book. Justin agreed. Then she asked for a Barbie. Justin said no. Chaos ensued. Apparently she snatched the toy from the sales clerk. And tried to run out of the store with it. Not a good look. (And not legal lol). While they were out I had some "me time" while Mia napped. (I secretly like doing the dishes; I can make it meditative and it quenches some OCD urge in me). So when they got home, I was in a good headspace to just hold Liv and remind her it's OK to be disappointed, angry and sad. It's not OK to behave like she did. She cried for a while, even saying "I can't stop crying." I held her and told her it's OK to cry, the two of us hunched on the kitchen floor. Eventually the wave of big emotions passed. We colored in her new Frozen coloring book, the toy Justin had approved, like it or not.

AES

P.S. More on allowing feelings here.