Fear and Self-Loathing in Miami

I was in a dark place when we visited Florida last winter. I was still adapting to having two kids, an experience that really pulled me under. I was so grateful to welcome my second daughter Mia, but at the same time I was completely overwhelmed and not feeling myself, or an instant connection with her, which made me feel pretty miserable. I focused on being grateful, even when it was hard. I also attempted to not feel guilty for struggling in the first place. I always end up in a guilt spiral because I truly feel so blessed so why can't I just feel OK?

Last February we were supposed to spend a week in Florida, a few days visiting my in-laws and a weekend in South Beach. My older daughter Liv, hubs and I all had bronchitis. My cough was so bad I was up wheezing and choking in the middle of the night, finally finding relief when I visited urgent care and got meds. I was breastfeeding (which is hard enough while healthy, and pretty rough while sick) and trying to avoid drugs. It backfired. I was in bad shape. I was also recently back at work and getting little rest or relief.

We had to scramble to adjust our travel plans at the last minute. We did an abbreviated stint with my in-laws and the weekend in Miami as planned. There were glimpses of light for me. Moments of feeling OK. I loved being in the sunshine and by the sea. There were so many special moments with hubs and our girls. But I was kind of a wreck, trying to hold it together during the day and then crying at dinner on date nights. Needing to be nurtured myself and nursed (pun intended) back to being myself. 

In retrospect, it’s no wonder I was flailing. Back at work full time, new mom to two littles, breastfeeding/pumping (basically another full time job), sick, and even taking an online poetry class. All the things. The week prior to our Florida trip, hubs was away working on the West coast when our power went out one night. I panicked on the inside but did my best to make it fun for Liv (who was 3) and not terrifying for Mia (who was 6 mos). I relied on our skyline view for light and even called my mom to come out from the suburbs with flashlights, so that I could see in the girls’ bedrooms and put them down. Recalling this wild time to friends, it was comical. And of course it could've been way worse. But In the moment, I was pretty strung out. While in Florida my weekly poetry homework was a bit complex, but it it was supposed to start with a haiku, which I'll share below-

The sequined wave crests
Are inviting but also
There’s seaweed and sharks 

The rest of the poem needs work but I went into how moments were "laced with fear" and how I felt like a farce as a caretaker of two. You get the gist. Dichotomies for days. 

All of these things came rushing back to me when we went back to South Beach last weekend. But it was a drastically different experience. (More on that to come.) I'm in a better place. And when I'm not, that's OK too. I'll find the light in no time. 

AES