Bad Behavior

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Before having kids, there were lots of things I thought I'd never do when I became a mom. Buy pink clothes, for one. Bows and other accessories were completely out of the question. Now I'm a proud mama to two of the most feminine fashionistas. I even put my littles in matching outfits. No, I am not the same person I was pre babies (when it comes to sartorial choices and much more). And while I am proud to have done a 180 in fully embracing the "girly" side of mothering two delicious girls, there are other developments I'm much less proud of.

One that I've been noticing lately and I'm ashamed to admit is that I've been yelling at my kids, a lot. I'm so grateful for so much right now, but I'm also running on empty. Every day is a marathon of doing all the things (for my girls, for our home, for my full-time job). And even the sweetest love bugs can drive a mama mad. Sometimes my girls play together brilliantly, independently, quietly; and sometimes they fight and whine and need me every 30 seconds. Today fell into the latter category. And I lost it. Repeatedly. It didn't help that they destroyed our apartment, and I'm a bit of a neat freak.

In those moments I hated myself. I could see myself being testy and unkind. I became extra guilt-ridden because I'm a devotee of mindfulness. But maybe the act of observing myself at all is being mindful. I just need to work on removing the judgement, and add compassion. For myself and my babies. We're all doing our best, even if we behave badly at times.

I am setting an intention for myself - to try to pause and respond vs. react, because for me, lately, reacting has meant yelling. And raising my voice (and even cursing - eek) isn't effective. It doesn't work. It doesn't diffuse, it only escalates.

Some believe that offspring choose their parents before conception. I know my girls (along with Hubs) are my soulmates. They're also my greatest teachers. I'm learning everything from how to fashion a princess dress out of an Aden & Anais baby blanket to how to be.

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