A sweet second birthday.
My baby Mia turned two. Cue all the emotions. This past year has been such a special time for me and Mia; our bond has deepened a millionfold. I know this sounds a little strange, but I've loved getting to know her better. She is such a bright, delicious, gorgeous, independent, playful and spunky child. I could go on and on. I'm obsessed.
My first year with Mia was really hard. She was a dream come true. I was a mess. I didn't feel like myself. And I didn't feel like Mia and I bonded right away. It was so different from the instant connection I felt with my firstborn, Liv. I felt guilty for not having that same instantaneous head over heels experience with Mia. Every birth experience and every "bringing home baby" experience is so different. Truly.
I'm sure there were a lot of factors at play. Maybe I had postpartum depression. I also think I subconsciously felt guilty about getting close to Mia. After reading that introducing a second baby feels to the first kid like her husband is bringing home a shiny new spouse, I was extra focused on making Liv feel secure. (Even now I feel like I'm cheating on one kid when I have special time with the other.) Every day of maternity leave with Mia, I made sure to take Liv on a special date, even if it was just a walk to the coffee shop for ten minutes. That, on top of breastfeeding and doing all the things that come with caring for a newborn and a bigger kid, drained me both emotionally and physically. I felt like a shell of myself.
My maternity leave with Liv was pretty euphoric. Sure, it was a huge adjustment and a ton of work. But it was also blissful, beyond what I had imagined. My maternity leave with Mia consisted of me just trying to get through each day. And in that first year with Mia I learned that for me the experience of mothering two felt (still feels) 100x harder than mothering one. And then I felt guilty for thinking it was hard. I was so damn grateful to be blessed with two beautiful babies, how could I feel anything but pure joy? Lots of guilt all around.
Before Mia was born I asked every mother of multiple children, will I love my second as much as I love my first? I couldn't fathom loving another being with the same intensity - beyond measure, out of this world, a whole new level of love and meaning. Every mom said, yes, absolutely, it's just different. What does that mean?
It means this. Yes, you will love your second with every ounce of your being, just as you do your first. And, it's different. I'm a sweets lover so the dessert metaphor works well for me. Liv is yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Mia is black and white cookies. Or funfetti cake, or whatever. They're so different. My relationship with each of them is different. Liv made me a mommy. I couldn't love Liv any more. Mia is my littlest love. I couldn't love Mia any more. I love these two little women so fiercely and with all my heart, it's immeasurable and wild and crazy.
For me, with a love and attachment so deep, I get anxious. At times it manifests as overprotectiveness. When Liv was an infant I accidentally scratched her head with my fingernail. It was a minor "injury." I rushed her to the doctor. Of course, she was fine. I'm still hypervigilant, but I am trying to be more chill. I also don't have the energy to rush to the MD every time something minor happens. The cliche is true - I've gotten (slightly) more lax since welcoming my second. But this cliche is also true - the feeling of having my heart(s) outside my body has only intensified.
Maybe in that first year with Mia, a part of me was not only trying to protect Liv from feeling envious (an impossible feat) but also trying to protect myself from the additional big love and accompanying big feelings. Thankfully, after Mia turned one something shifted. I started to feel more like myself, or perhaps I felt at home in the new self I became after she was born. (I don't think it's a coincidence that I felt a change around the time I stopped breastfeeding and felt freer, not to mention less physically drained.) Whatever it was, it was my process, and now here we are. Mia is two. I am beyond head over heels for her. She's my delicious cookie, or cake, or whatever. She's my (second) everything.
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